Heartland

In about 2005, we received an email from an old acquaintance to the heartland owner’s list. Both me and NK was almost heart broken when we read the letter. It was something that we had difficulty in reply because the issue came from a monk and from interpretations of the teachings of the Buddha. It would need to take other monks or nuns to reply to him satisfactorily.

I sent out the letter to all traditions and not surprising the fastest reply was from Ajahn Brahm, in fact, he replied to my plea personally. I shall not add my own thoughts into this, but rather just let you read about it. I did not get any replies from my emails to some of the Tibetan traditions and also the Chinese Mahayana traditions. However, we managed to arranged for a meeting with one of the Mahayana monks in our local temples to discuss about this matter, but that is for another article.

I am collating some of the replies here, regardless if it is a “comfortable” reply or not, and hope that we can each see how diverse some of the replies can be, no doubt comforting. I hope that these series of replies can be helpful to some people.

btw, grammar and spelling errors are inherent in the replies

This is the original letter:

Hi Group Owner,

I have been living in fear, doubts, frustration and depression for the past month and I really need someone to talk to, and hopefully have better substantial insights about the 5 Precepts. I have been reading alot, from the internet and free distributions available. But every time I read any article to that topic, I can’t help but to feel helpless. This may be a long email and I certainly hope you bear with me.

I am a Singaporean, and am in a long term gay relationship with my partner for just past 5 years by a couple of months now. We have always been in a committed and devoted relationship and will see that the relationship will last despite not having a legal paper to substantiate the union. We recognise that this relationship wasn’t built out of lust in the first place. We went though many difficult times when we were together… not those “in and out of relations” problems and issues, but rather difficult times during financial crisis, a hard time to go through during a major operation that I went for, out of jobs etc. We pulled through them together. We also have a good sexual relationship.

I am also a lay Mahayana male Buddhist and had just taken the 5 precepts just close to about a month ago. Before deciding to take the 5 precepts, I had also read up and apparently understood that the 3rd precept “I will understand to refrain from sexual misconduct” as to avoid sexual misconduct as to rape, adultery and to be faithful and commited to one’s partner.

There must not be any sexual relationship with anyone without love, care and commitment; not other than own partner. For that understanding, I have full faith that I can uphold the 3rd precept because we have been in a commitment relationship and we do see living a life together in long term.

Things changed after I took the 5 precepts and continued to read more and more on understanding the precepts. Some where from both internet articles and free distributions about “sexual misconduct”, it has further defined and extended sexual misconduct also to include to avoid all sorts of sexual activities at the wrong place, wrong time and also sexual activities involving the mouth and wrong opening of the body (which I understand it refers to anal sex). I was completely taken aside. I was completely frozen. Fear sinks into me for a moment. Initially, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to share my discovery with my partner. Trying to continue to find out more and the truth of these writings, I kept it to myself. Ever since then, our sexual relationship was very much affected. IT’s not that I am totally attached blindly and lustfully with sex, but it was just a bonding we share and another means of understanding each other better. I find myself too mindful about breaking the 3rd precepts and couldn’t do it with him anymore. There are too many times when I literally turned down love making with him and just ended up masturbating him. Guilt sinks in… from both aspects… firstly, I have let him down and neglected him sexually and secondly, even if I had a sexual act with him, I felt guilty of breaking the precepts. He commented, “The bed is so cold these days”. In another ways, he meant that I have been so cold to him when it comes to sexual bonding.

There was this day when I couldn’t hold my guilt anymore and I told him all about the 3rd precepts that I read. I shared with him that the 3rd precepts also include not to have sexual acts involving the mouth and anus. He asked if that means we can’t have sex anymore? He asked if that means that we have to live in celibacy. I found no words coming out from my mouth. It seems that I could no longer find the right words anymore. I felt I had let him down. He cried badly. He said it was unfair for him. He said that our lives could never be the same anymore; even though we see each other as spouses. I felt that he was right. I had taken his rights away. He had chosen to stay faithful to me when he could have been with someone better.

But he didn’t and remained with me in good times and bad times. Now, I found myself being absolutely unfair to him. I cried badly too, I cried remorsefully and just couldn’t stop; for I no longer know what to do now.

IT’s a fact that I have taken the precepts and it is for life. IT’s also a fact that I have robbed his rights as a lover, despite our devotion and commitment. I remembered before I took the precepts, he asked me why the decision… I replied, “because I want to be a better person, a devoted lover to him” Now, I realised that there are actually more than I could bargain for. Does taking the 3rd precept mean living in celibacy for gays??

I’m not putting blames to anyone or any rules. I just feel guilty. I just feel bad for being a lousy lover. I have let my partner down. I’m living each day with remorse and feeling bad towards my lover now. I cried secretly from time to time these days. I want to be a good Buddhist upholding the precepts. At the same time, I have the responsibility of being a good spouse too. I really don’t mean that by having sex equates being a good spouse in this relationship. What I meant is that I have been an unfair lover, robbing my partner of his rights. There’s a strain on our long-term relationship now.

Please tell me what the 3rd precept mean? Please advise me how I should move on in this relationship with my partner. I can’t just break up with him to uphold the precepts. Wouldn’t that also break the 3rd precepts for being a unfaithful and irresponsible partner too? It didn’t help after I read about the Dalai Lama’s opinion about sexual misconduct. I’m confused with Ajahn Brahmavamso’s and Ven. Dr. K. Sri Dhammananda’s articles, their different opinion about the 3rd precepts too. Is there a difference in understanding the precepts in the 2 different traditions, Mahayana and Theravada traditions? I wish to contact the venerables for counselling and advise but I really don’t know how. I realised I need to do something asap, for I’m starting to feel that I’m a bad Buddhist and also a bad lover.

metta,
k

Here is Ajahn Brahm’s Reply:

Dear K,

You may keep the 3rd Precept and still be a sexually active gay. Your first understanding of the 3rd Precept was the correct one. Refraining from sexual misconduct refers only to committing adultery, not having sex with under-age partners or without the consent of your partner or with those who are incapable of giving consent (such as someone who is mentally disabled or who is drunk). When you confine your sexual activity within a warm and loving relationship, gay or straight, then you are well within your 3rd Precept.

So my advice is to approach your partner, give him a big ’sorry’ and then an even bigger hug, and stop behaving like a monk! I agree with you that there is much confusion out there regarding the 3rd Precept. The problem arises because many teachers fail to recognise

What the Buddha Taught from the many commentaries that came after. Throughout my monk life, I focused on the original teachings of the Buddha. Those Words of the Buddha do not, I assure you, say that the 3rd precept prevents anal or oral intercourse. That simply is not part of the Buddha’s explanation of the 3rd precept. The Buddha did not discriminate against gays or gay sexuality. As far as the original teachings of the Buddha are concerned, the 3rd precept only covers relationship committments and consent – it does not cover the form of sex, whether anal, oral or genital.

The commentaries written by monks who came after the Buddha are the source of the problem. A problem with Mahayana and Tibetan tradition, wonderful as they are, is that they didn’t distinguish the actual teachings of the Buddha from the later commentaries. It is because of this that H.H The Dalai Lama got it wrong when he said that Buddhism discriminated against a sexuallly active gay lifestyle. We monks sometimes get it wrong. Please forgive us. But if you keep the original pure and reliable teachings of the Buddha himself, then you will find that there is no discrimination at all.

So, please take your partner out to an expensive restaurant. Be kind to him. And accept that your gay sexuality with a faithful partner is well within the 5 precepts taught by the wise and compassionate Buddha.

With much metta,

Ajahn Brahm.

This is the reply from Ven. S Dhammika from Buddha Dhamma Mandala:

dear n k, thanks for the message. your friend issuffering from guilt and anxisity typicle of many gay people, probably caused in part by the teachings of monks more infulenced by their culture’s traditions than they are by the buddha’s teaching. gay promisquity would certinally be beaking the precepts but relations with a partner based on love, tenderness and mutual sharing would not be. please refer to the article on ‘homosexuality in theravada buddhism’ in the ‘encyclopedia of buddhism’ which you can find in the buddhist library. please give me a call or, if he would like, ask your friend to call me. with metta dhammika

A reply from someone from Mangala Vihara Buddhist Temple:

Please advise your friend that there is nothing wrong with him having a relationship with another person of the same sex. In fact Ajahn Brahm and Ven Dhammananda have addressed this question in several of their public talks. It is a question of choice whether one wants a relationship with someone of the same or opposite sex.

Your friend might have interpreted the 3rd percept in a very strict way. The precept teaches one not to be promiscuous, not to commit adultery and rape. Having sexual relationship with just 1 person does not mean that one has broken the precept. This is the way to interpret the percept for a layperson. However in the case of a monk he has to observe that percept in a much stricter manner i.e. no sexual relationship at all.

If after advising him your friend still feels uneasy and wants to discuss it with our Venerables I can help arrange it. Alernatively he can call the temple at XXXXXXX and talk to either Venerable Indasara or Venerable Cittara.

This one is from one of the Zen tradition (I didn’t name the temple as I did not seek permission to publish the reply with the name):

I have read your letter. From my perspective ( a Western Zen Monk), the precepts are not meant to cause guilt or shame. They are a means by which you can look into your thinking and activities in light of the Buddhist principles of not harming and helping others as well as yourself. You will find if you read many things, a wide variety of views regarding the precepts. Everything from a fundamentalist view that is more than a little puritanical.

To a more wide view that puts responsibility on each of us to look into our intention moment to moment. You may find that reading books by monks may have a perspective that is out of touch with lay peoples lives. The big question that you have to ask is “why do that”? what is your intention. The precepts are not meant to be observed in light of sin as in the ten commandments of Christianity. They don’t let you off the hook so to speak.

You must perceive your life clearly and use the precepts to help you practice correctly. I would recommend that rather than looking into books about how to follow the precepts or trying to find an absolute about what the “correct” interpretation is, I would say look into your own heart and mind and act clearly with a compassionate and wise intention. The whole universe is created by mind, how you keep your mind is of utmost importance and nobody can judge that but you.

I hope you look into your heart and perceive the best way to observe the 3rd precept for the benefit of all beings,

This one is another Zen tradition based in France. I actually have 2 replies from different brothers:

Reply 1:
dear friend

sorry for this late delay in responding to your message. what we could tell you is the mindfulness trainings (we prefer this terminology to precepts) are there to support your practice in the daily life and make it more meaningful and happier and not the opposite. the third mindfulness training reminds you to be more aware each time you are engaging into a sexual relationship with a partner. that helps you to avoid to be a “sex consumer” and each time to ask yourself if you and your sex partner both of you are really long term committed to share a stable and durable loving couple life. All this are available for both hetero and homosexual without discrimination. Concerning the “technical aspects” of how the sexual act could be realized, there is no thoughts of right and wrong. the term “sexual misconduct” means adultery or pedophily, those conducts that could lead to a lot of damages and sufferings to yourself and to others. So please reconcile (or practice beginning anew with your partner) and take out of your head all those feelings of doubts, fear and guilts. please let us know if there is any more questions.

Reply 2:
All precepts, including the third one, are aimed at going in the direction of happiness and freedom and not to fall in the traps that lead to more suffering for ourselves and the people around us. They are guiding means for us to reflect and see better in which direction we are going.

Sexual relationships can be a very beautiful expression of a deep love for each other. The key is to always treat our body and the body of our partner with much respect. To touch the body is to touch the mind. When there is much lust involved, we tend to treat the body as an instrument to satisfy our sexual desire. That will lead us in a direction to lose selfrespect and respect for our partner, which is not good for the relationship. My sense is that in this relationship, the “doubts, fear, frustration and depression” are rooted in not being able to satisfy the lust. I think this incident is a great opportunity to look into the relationship and discuss with each other strategies of how to assure a relationship built on love and respect for each other. And to ask the question: “How come we have gone through difficult times together, but our relationship seems shaky when sex is being questioned?” and “What is our relationship build on?” “What expectations, or even demands, do we have in our relationship”. Because I think, that when love is true love, when we understand each other, we will also accept each other, respect each other and give each other the space and support to be true to ourselves. Without this true love and acceptance, we easily make demands that can destroy our relationship.

To wrap up, I think it is important to sit together and discuss how to deepen the relationship, how to assure mutual understanding, respect, acceptance, so the relationship can be stable, happy and harmonious that is free from doubts, fear, frustration and depression. It is about bringing mindfulness into our lives. Please look a little beyond the sex in your relationship, I’m sure you will discover that the relationship is to be improved in many other areas as well!